Friday, September 22, 2006

Here I am again! :D I'm posting this from work, I'm getting off early, just waiting for the other girl here to finish running some errands and I am off for the weekend. Definately a sweet deal! I have actually gone part time for the next little while, and I think having the extra time off is such a help to me in every way. Well, except maybe financially but I can deal with that. Money def. DOES NOT buy happiness. I guess it doesn't hurt when you don't have to worry about it... but that is another topic.

I am still doing my therapy, which is going well, and as far as staying sober... I have my moments. For some reason today included a few of them.. like when I was getting out of the shower... (who thinks about drinking at 7am? lots i'm sure...), and then again after lunch.. but I'm NOT going to act on them, and that is the main thing. For some reason I was thinking of sneaking over to this new restaurant and only having one... but I won't.

That is how I got into trouble the first time, the last time, and hopefully not the next time.
I'm doing okay, and I'm grateful for it.

I'm thankful for being SOBER, my boyfriend, my puppy-baby, my job, that I got paid today, that lunch was good, and for so many other things. Oh yeah, and for having a Friday after noon off. So I'm out.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

One Month

It has been too long since I have posted on here. I thought about abadoning it altogether, but I realized that I missed posting here and getting my feelings out.

I had slipped up. Is that what you call it? After ten months or so, I drank. I did what I had said many people say, (like the last time I posted here) I could control it. I couldn't. That's what I was doing here to begin with. I'm now seeing a councellor, and I got a puppy. I don't know if animals or pets or whatever can be considered therapy, but it sure feels like it. I'm so busy with the puppy there isn't much else time to consider things. I feel better, I haven't drank in about a month, sad to be back here, but that's what it is. I am again proud that I have a month in, and hopefully many more to come. I have started praying again and that helps me a great deal as well.

So, this is me, at one month sober.

Honestly, I can say that I am not obsessed with drinking as I once was, and being this far in I have already been present when someone was drinking and that was okay. I didn't find myself staring at their bottle, wishing it was mine.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Just a question...

If anyone is, or has time to read and respond, I would just like to know what you think. I see so many people say, or read them say "I used to be an alcoholic". I come to believe that once you are an alcoholic, or problem drinker that you always will be. There are moments of life where things are going great, that we think that we can handle it. I think a person is more likely to drink when they are happy than when they are down. That would be due to a sense of "I can do it, I have this all out of control and behind me. I know through experience, I would quit for just a little while (couple weeks, maybe if i was lucky) and then I would convince myself that I really didn't have a drinking problem, until I was drinking again and right back to square one. NOT WORTH IT.
so, that is just my two cents. It might be completely off, but I know that thinking you can handle doing something, and actually being able to pull it off are two differant things.

Anyways, enough said for one night!
I think I missed it around here!
Until later...
I will leave you with something to be thankful for though.. a little bit of nature....

this was taken on our vaction in May.

Its been Hard...


The last few days have been hard for me. I don't know why, but partly to do with the sunshining. It always made me want to get out there and drink a nice cold one... I can't do that anymore though.
I started emailing with a family member of mine about what I am going through, as she has been there before, and that helps. Thankfully I'll be able to come back on this blog without interuption from now on!
I have been doing better in the way of depression though, the waves don't hit me nearly as often and when they do, its not as rough. I have been trying to keep my mind occupied as much as possible though. This week I'm into playing Texas Holdem online though, something i never thought would interest me. But whatever works! Something to stop the obsessive thoughts. I ALMOST went into the liquor store yesterday. NOt that I would have, well I didn't, but I played the whole thing out in my head, how I could put a little bottle in my purse and noone would even know. Luckily for me, I would know, and I won't let that happen.
Enough rant, but it feels good to get it all off my cheast.

Things I am thankful for:
the sun shining
being able to go fishing
my boyfriend and how good he is to me (I had a bad sunburn last weekend, and he acted nurse, it was too much! :) )
that my sister and her boyfriend are staying with us
that i have so many people to care about me
and cocacola! :)
wheeeeeeeeeee

there are many more, but I just put what poped into my head!

Hope anyone who is reading this is having a very good Wednesday!
(although, Wednesdays are not the same now that LOST is over for the season!)

Monday, June 19, 2006

Long Gone..

I have been long gone from the blog world, or what seems like a long time. In reality, I think it was a couple of weeks, but I rarely live in reality. We have had some house guests at our house, and the "computer room/office" was turned into a bedroom for a short while. While I could check email, and whatever I liked to do while this person was using the room, I feel that my blog is personal and I would prefer that my immediate family and friends don't read it. I'm scared that if people I know in my day to day life start to read what I write that I will end up writing more for them than for myself. So that is where I sit.
I think I may try to be more active in posting now that I have the computer room/office back with a little bit of privacy.
Things have been going great for me though, still the tough times, but summer is going to be alright I think. I just have to try and find activities to focus on.
Until Later,
Leela

Sorry to anyone who may have been wondering what happened to me! I have been thinking about those of you I had talked to online, and I'm hoping everyone is doing alright! Thanks for caring!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Back..

I haven't been around online the past few days.. has it been a week? Pretty uneventful time for me, spent most of my weekend by myself, as usual... seemed to be down. I have no idea why, but it seems like I hit lows and highs, like everything is fine one day, and then bam.. the next I feel like everything is gone to hell. I mentioned to my boyfriend in a moment of "happy".. that I couldn't believe how happy we are together, and he said "yes, today.." meaning that other days I don't quite look at things the same way. It is troubling, because I wish that in my moments of being "down", I could look at things the way that they really are.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I am going to mention this to him.. but for some reason I'm scared he is going to try and get me to take anti-depressants or something like that, and for some reason I just don't want to. I know they can make a differance, but there is something about being dependant on pills that makes me weary. Regardless, I will wait and see what the doctor has to say about it. I just want things to be clear.
In less than three days I will have been without drinking for eight months! Believe it!
I can't say its easy, but I think I can say its easier...I am going on a trip on the 19th, and I hope that I will regard it as something for good, not as a test of strength.


Thanks to everyone for their comments! I am alive and well! :)

Thursday, May 04, 2006


today I am grateful for...
being able to make other people happy, by not constantly thinking of myself..
that i still have friends who love me, even though they may remember some crazy/stupid/drunken things that i do not...
that my boyfriend is happy and able to go on his trip tomorrow without having to worry about me going insane on my own
that i really don't mind having time to myself, and i'm actually looking forward to some me time, without worrying about what i am going to do with it..
that i found out about this "blogging-thing" and have taken strength from reading about how others are doing...
that it was a sunny day, and i got to leave the office for a bit to enjoy some of it at lunch time!
that i have a job where people think i am reliable and trustworthy, and i really am!
that i don't have to wonder anymore about what i may have said or did, because now i remember everything! (It is amazing to me that i don't have to sit and try and think over and over again if there is anything i should feel guilty about!)
that i am myself, and i'm starting to realize that isn't such a bad thing afterall...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

another thing to be thankful for...


and just as i was reading the comments on my gratitude post, in pops my beautiful boyfriend with flowers for me.. it is a good day! :)